みっちゃん (blu_olivz) wrote in bboomerangrang,
みっちゃん
blu_olivz
bboomerangrang

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Sarah: Oh, please. Everyone bitches at food. My mother threatened the gravy at least a dozen times on Thanksgiving.

Regina: Did it work?

Sarah: Like a charm.

Regina: Yeah, see, the noodle wouldn't even come off the side of the pot. Crusty little bastard.

Sarah: Now that's food shame.

Regina: When it turns on you? I know.

Sarah: That happened to me with a bean once. It fell on the counter, it wouldn't let me pick it up, it kept squirting out of my grasp, and the next thing I know I'm screaming "DIE BEAN DIE" and hammering it with a spatula.

Regina: Yep, been there. And for a second, you feel all victorious.

Sarah: You defeated the evil bean.

Regina: The bean defied you, and the bean paid the ultimate price.

Sarah: The other beans will cower before you.

Regina: Then you do the voice-over.

Sarah: "In a world where beans run amok"

Regina: "only one woman can face them and live."

Sarah: "A woman of courage and superhuman strength "

Regina: "a legend in her own kitchen."

Sarah: "They call her dun dun dunnnnn"

Regina: "Beanula. In theaters everywhere, March 2003."

Sarah: And then you realize that instead of working on your goddamn novel, you've just wasted five minutes narrating a comic book adventure in which the world counts on you to save it from tiny legumes.

Regina: And that Beanula is a stupid name, so it's not even a good comic book in the first place and you should just kill yourself because you're crazy and a bad writer.

Sarah: I like Beanula!

Regina: No, Beanula doesn't work. Beanula is, like, a vampire bean. We'd have to be the Bean Killers or something.

Sarah: Yeah, I guess. But I still really like Beanula. Tiny little teeth, tiny little cape, turns into a very very tiny little bat -- that's a good comic book. I'd read that.

Regina: We could do a whole series, really. "Frankenbean"!

Sarah: Totally! Like, with the crazy chef who assembles him out of parts of other beans?

Regina: Yeah! And then he brings him to life by...how would he bring him to life?

Sarah: Uh...uh...sticking a fork in the toaster oven?

Regina: Good one! And then we could do "Bride Of Frankenbean," and she'd have a teeny little fright wig!

Sarah: Brilliant! And let's not forget -- "Night of the Living Beans!"

Regina: Clawing their way out of the garbage!

Sarah: Staggering across the fields towards human civilization!

Regina: Moaning "braaaaaains"!

Sarah: Zombeans!

Regina: Excellent!

Sarah: What else could we do?

Regina: Hmm. "Hallobean"? That's the one where he wears the Shatner mask, right?

Sarah: Oh, man. With the teeny tiny butcher knife.

Regina: I know. But would people, like, run in terror? Or would they just go, "Okay, whatever," and squish him with a fork?

Sarah: I don't know. Squish him with a fork, probably.

Regina: God. We've just spent how many minutes on the bean horror franchise?

Sarah: We also said the words "Tater Tot" about a bazillion times. Don't think too deeply on it.

Regina: You're probably right.

Sarah: We're going to die alone.

Regina: We're going to be the grandmothers of beansploitation. Founders of cinematic movements don't die alone.

Sarah: Oh. Okay then.

Regina: Hey, did you eat that bean?

Sarah: The one I flattened? No. Why?

Regina: Oh, just wondering. Now, if it had fallen on the floor and you'd stepped on it --

Sarah: Oh, go eat a meatloaf.

Regina: Shut up.

Sarah: You shut up.
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