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Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

Subject:mormon wang
Posted by:paperclipholder.
Time:2:25 pm.
a couple of mormons came to the door the other day to convert us. my husband was giving them the Jesus rundown in reverse because he likes to do that. he was wearing pajama bottoms while he did this and when they left he noticed he felt a breeze down there. it is most probably that he had his dick hanging out of his pants the entire time.
does that make him a less fortunate and the mormon's the people who encountered one? i think so!
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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005

Subject:Good afternoon!
Posted by:aluckey77.
Time:3:26 pm.
Mood: amused.
I have yet to entertain a meeting with a "less fortunate" today. But, it's still early. I'm new to Live Journal and thought this community was hilarious! So, I joined. I can't wait to tell you about the morons I seem to frequently encounter. Am I the only one they seem drawn to?
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Friday, August 5th, 2005

Subject:The Homeless
Posted by:aset_tiphareth.
Time:5:27 pm.
This homeless guy had a sign saying 'I'm down but not out.'
So I threw a coin at him, it bounced off him and he chased after it.
Then my friends laughed at me and told me that I would most probably end up homeless then they would throw coins at me.
It is a beautiful world.
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Sunday, October 24th, 2004

Subject:number thirty nine.
Posted by:defiled_angel.
Time:11:44 pm.
man, i could fill this muthufucka up with stories about the bus around here, here being vancouver, washington. but here is just one. and i'm terribly afraid that it's way funnier in my head than it will be once i write it down.


so i was on the bus and this lady gets on with this enormous bag of aluminum cans and proceeds to drop them EVERYWHERE. i kind of laugh under my breath and watch her pick them up. she sits down. it became very apparent that she had no teeth when she started doing that bitter beer face thing.. i really love watching druggies do that. open their mouths then shut them ALL THE WAY CAUSE YOU HAVE NO TEETH! HA! um. oh yes, so i smiled at her, and she waved. so i waved back. and she kept doing the beer face, and waving.

so i waved back, and she waved and i waved back and she waved more and so i finally opened up my backpack and pretended to look for something for an entire 10 minutes so i wouldn't have to wave at this woman any longer.

moral of the story = floss!
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Friday, September 17th, 2004

Posted by:lithium4me.
Time:9:39 pm.
Mood: drained.
im new here, i dont know if this fits to your standards, but for the past week ive been stalking a kid at my school, today i noticed my one of best friends talking with him and his friends, she called me over and it was extrmely okward, finally my other best friend sam introduced me to him and all that came out of my mouth was "hi, i was totally stalking you last friday at seafood fest" after that they all just stared and laughed, he was dumb founded. not that great of a story but that was my weird moment of the day
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Monday, October 13th, 2003

Posted by:plumlicorice.
Time:7:21 pm.
Today at the Turkey Roost, I had an entertaining run-in with this obnoxious little boy who is about six years old. I see him there so often, it's practically like we're related.
Once I watched him guzzle six little plastic containers of half-and-half and then try to snort lines of sugar with a coffee stir.
But today! He was whining to his mother - "Why can't I wear my [Halloween] costume NOW??? WAHHHHHHH!" When she managed to get him to stop bawling, I looked at him and he pointed and said, "Look! SHE'S all dressed up!" I wasn't wearing a chicken suit or anything, but he was pretty desperate to prove his case. :D
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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003

Posted by:raefromjersey.
Time:9:30 pm.
I work at K-mart.
I think that's all I need to say.

In one week I've dealt with numerous mentally retarded people, people who don't speak A SINGLE WORD OF ENGLISH, and people who yell at me because things ring up $2 more than the sale price marked and I have to get a manager to enter in a code for me to override the price.
because, you know, I hacked into K-Mart's computers and changed the price of that blanket from $28 to $30 just to piss you off!!! bwahahaha!
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Thursday, March 20th, 2003

Posted by:vault10.
Time:6:23 pm.
i love this.

ok. this happened quote a few months ago.
me nad my friend mucusbrains were walking to get food in the evening downtown. we were at a stoplight and there was some crazy bum walking around and when the light changed for us, he was in the middle of the intersections (like, in the MIDDLE) and he yelled at us to "hurry up".
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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003

Subject:Could I Be Anymore Retarded?
Posted by:nicefuckingtree.
Time:3:49 am.
As I was leaving the club early Tuesday morning, a guy handed me a flyer. It is a guy who flyered me before, a guy whose nickname and real name I know, and a guy with whom I carry on conversations on livejournal.

I took the flyer, which was for a 21+ event, thanked him, then looked at him. I didn't realise who he was, but suddenly a thought occurred to me. I knew him. But I didn't know from where, probably because I was so tired.

So what did I do?

I screamed, "I KNOW YOU! I!! KNOW!! YOU!!" In his face while I tapped him on the shoulder. He smiled and nodded. I'm a damn genius.

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Monday, January 20th, 2003

Posted by:lil_sai.
Time:11:56 pm.
Mood: crappy.
Kids at the local all girls Christian? school have finals this week, and are therefore really pissy, abusive, brutal and angry. therefore i canna go try to talk to them about me feeling not so great 'cause they feel even worse. I don't blame them. I blame the system man, I blame the system that cranks out bboomerangrangs like rain from a storm. The system's broken man.. (for fear of sounding like an anti government stoner, i now cease)
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Friday, January 10th, 2003

Subject:diner fun with plumlicorice, from the perspective of the other patrons
Posted by:trephine.
Time:2:03 pm.
Mood: creative.
Almost every damn week afore we goes ta werk these nasty younggins comes inta aur diner. they sits thur in the carner with thur stupidass hairdo's and thur black clothes and giggles like hyaenas at nuthin' in particalar! ah thinks they're REEE-TARDED and that's why i'm a-writin' about 'um in this here community! we thinks they're laesbians. bertha the waitress says one of um looks like a man up close so ah don't rightfully know.
usually on fridays they comes in real early in the mornin' around...uhh...three, when all such youngun's oughta be sleepin' or preparin' ta go ta school. the two of 'um weird lookin' little sonsabitches! they arder breakfast. they eat it real slow-like, and talk amongst themselves without lookin' at anyone.
the one that bertha thinks is a man uv a SORT, lil queerass ho-mo-saexual, has a shaved haed on the sides like he was in the military or sumthin'. But no ho-mos allowed in aur fine United States armies so I dunno what he thinks he is. On the top of that funny shaped triangle haed of his he has longer hair and it's as purple as a pawpaw I tells ye! the girl-lookin' one always wears real tall red workboots and a short skirt like them hookers at truck stops! and with that she's always gawt some teeshirt advertisin' SATAN himself with pins all a-suck in his haed! Although he's better-lookin' than that ho-mo she comes in with I do declare.
We all stare at 'um, and if they was narmal god-fearin' folks they would know we didn't want 'um there and they'd leave right quicklike. but that ho-mo sits there and draws SATANY symbols and pictures on aur good clean napkins to give to that painted harlot. Then they sit there and drank cup after cup of coffee. They're always puttin' all this sugar in it 'acause the Satanworshippers cain't take good pure food made by Christian hands! After a lawwwwwwng time they leave. we always think we've seen the last of 'um until next week when it happens all over again.
Dirty lil' SATAN WORSHIPPING HO-MOs! We wants em out of aur fine establishment!
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Tuesday, January 7th, 2003

Subject:A Christmas Afterthought...
Posted by:nicefuckingtree.
Time:2:20 am.
Mood:guilty for being so amused.
Mya got me a movie for Christmas on special order.

It was a movie that her teacher of ASL (that's American Sign Language for all of you people who think I just asked you your age, sex + location) showed in class for part of the semester.

It's all about deaf kids, and a man who teaches them how to sing using lights or something like that; I don't know I haven't gotten around to watching it yet.

The reason she got it for me though is not because she thinks it's a touching story or anything, it was sheerly purchased for the fun of making fun of a bunch of deaf kids singing, which she will willingly and wonderfully impersonate on command.

How does the song they sing go, you ask?

"Your love is like a boomerang-rang-rang."

Yes, I know we're evil twits. But you must admit that deaf people singing is kind of funny, as well as drunk people singing. There's just a certain quality to it...

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Monday, December 16th, 2002

Posted by:blu_olivz.
Time:10:45 pm.
Mood: stressed.
but i'm NOT a potato; so you'll never know!!!!!

.......save me.... please...
i can't take finals anymore...
and they haven't even STARTED yet..
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Saturday, December 14th, 2002

Posted by:blu_olivz.
Time:10:53 pm.
Mood: amused.
Sarah: Oh, please. Everyone bitches at food. My mother threatened the gravy at least a dozen times on Thanksgiving.

Regina: Did it work?

Sarah: Like a charm.

Regina: Yeah, see, the noodle wouldn't even come off the side of the pot. Crusty little bastard.

Sarah: Now that's food shame.

Regina: When it turns on you? I know.
moreCollapse )
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Friday, December 13th, 2002

Posted by:lil_sai.
Time:9:34 pm.
Mood: content.
Bboomerangrangs. again. at my catholic highschool. again. including me. again. same people. again. Playing with the bouncy ball. in puddles and rain. I got soaked. top to bottom. *ahem* except my crotch area, which brit pointed out to me. got teased by her and the arguably the hugest bboomerangrang on the planet, the human teapot, he whose name must not be spoken. he's pretty much an outcast at school, so i should be nicer. the tease included something w/ urination fetishes, which i don't have. brit was being rather gross.
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Tuesday, December 10th, 2002

Subject:I am one of the bboomerangrangs today.
Posted by:lil_sai.
Time:5:35 pm.
At lunch at my not-so-humble catholic high school(i'm not catholic by the way) I go outside for a breath of fresh air, and to converse with my fellow class mates. What happens? somebody throws an empty water bottle at me. What do I do? i throw it back. chaos ensues, and somehow as i'm walking away, someone throws it at me again. So i chuck it in that general direction. Hitting my sworn little sister, who proceeds to steal my bag and run around laughing with it. When i retrieve that, she steals my sweatshirt. and when i retrieve THAT, the bell rings. Insane-o teens beware. the bell that rings.

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Saturday, December 7th, 2002

Subject:1st post, & SAT
Posted by:lil_sai.
Time:8:06 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
I went to SATs today, and entered a room of quiet, insane teenagers. I noticed two that I hadn't spoken to since we were back in middleschool. those were the days. ^ Ms. "i believe noone can draw a straight line freehand" changed her haircolor and looked more of a rebel than she did when I saw her last, entertained my inane discussion, while the others were either nervously wringing their hands or hyperventilating. They looked even more nervewracked at the end of the testing. I peeked into another classroom of insane teenagers, and waved to another person i hadn't spoken to since back in middle school. The proctor was agitated. then as i turned, i could have sworn i heard the proctor drop the test booklets.
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Friday, November 29th, 2002

Subject:Girl Drools.
Posted by:pollytrance.
Time:2:38 pm.
In this case, I was the bboomerangrang.

Today, I was on my way home from the mountains and I saw this fucking beautiful man (we're talking cheekbones, breck hair, thin frame and perfectly imperfect teeth) walking through the convenience store whose shelves I was browsing. He was walking around stocking things and I was doing my best not to stare at him. I grab a brownie and go to get run up wishing that he lived in Vallejo near me.

Then, as fate would have it, he opens a register and waits on me.

"How are you doing?" he says.

"I'm good." I blurt out... I mentally kick myself for being so trite.

"Well, that's good." He says, "That's important. Will this be all?"

I grab a lighter to boot, cos I collect strange-looking lighters so that no one can take them and claim that it's theirs. So he waits on me, actually tries to CARD ME for buying the lighter. I buy gas, and when the guy to my right hears that I only want $6 worth, he starts talking to me about how wise I am for buying a small car.

Meanwhile, I'm explaining that I had half-a-tank to begin with and trying hard to think of something clever to say to Mr. Cheekbones, he hands me my change... which I proceed to drop all over the floor. As I get down on my hands and knees to pick it all up, he laughs at me. Really. Bends over the counter to watch, and starts laughing like I'm fucking Jim Carrey.

Oh, the shame!

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Tuesday, November 26th, 2002

Subject:a first post.
Posted by:trephine.
Time:12:31 am.
Mood: contemplative.
HI! how the fuck is everyone? this is my first post...i joined because i seem to run into many unfortunates whenever i'm with my girlfriend meeshell. I think she attracts retards. that's pretty obvious when you see who she is dating.
Last Saturday afternoon we were drinking coffee in a resturaunt, and a child standing up in the booth in front of us started picking his nose and making hideous faces at us. Not being intimidated, I made faces back attempting to shock the pigdemon into leaving us alone. It didn't work...he started tossing things at us then, including a wet sugar packet he had been slobbering on. i lobbed it back at him, and it hit him in the eyeball. he started sobbing and clutching his head. lucky for us he wasn't able to articulate to his sire what had occurred. people should really put leashes on their kids to make sure they don't behave that way in public...
AND!!! this is the best story really, which is why i saved it for last. Once we saw a very old man in a wheelchair on the street, screaming and drooling and legless. He built up momentum, then reeled himself down a steep sidewalk. of course, gravity dumped him from his chair unceremoniously. shrieks emanated from his toothless mouth! michelle poked me and fought back uncontrollable cackling. "you should go and help him!!!" she suggested. being stupid, i walked over to the legless man and helped him into his chair again. THE OLD FILTHY BASTARD attempted to BITE my fingers off as thanks for the assistance!!! Then my wallet mysteeeriously fell from my pocket. i snatched it up and avoided losing a chunk of handflesh.
When I told Michelle what had happened, she burst into hysterical laughter and said that this handicapped man probably reeled himself down the steep sidewalk EVERY SINGLE DAY, falling down the same way thousands of times and shrieking until someone offers help. then, she said, he steals the wallets of whoever stops and bites them to add insult to injury! she said it was probably a trick he had perfected! the only thing that gave him joy! the way he spends his days!
what do you think?
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Tuesday, November 19th, 2002

Subject:Man Sets Fire
Posted by:pollytrance.
Time:11:03 pm.
Mood: amused.
I was in San Francisco last night at a club in a sort of ghetto part of town. I came upstairs (and outside) to cool off, and perhaps to have a smoke (I know, it's so terrible, shut up) and Stefan runs up to me and says, "Katie, you just missed it, it was so great..." and told me a story about the excitement that I had just missed. Things were beginning to get tame once again, and then the excitement took place once more.

A very drunk (and probably homeless) man, carrying a bottle of some clear liquid that he was drinking, wearing a dirty black cap, a black hood pulled up over his ears, and carrying a stack of newspapers walks into the middle of the intersection and sits down. He then proceeds to set the stack of newspapers on fire. Cars are swerving around him and his small campfire, buses are honking, and still, there he sits. After a moment or so, he gets up and leaves the blazing papers in the road. He travels a few inches from where he set the fire, and collapses purposely, and lays, quite relaxed in the middle of the intersection. The cops come, armed with a huge van that they park in the middle of the intersection. They pick him up and drag him to the other side of the street, (leaving their van parked in the middle of the road, hazards flashing) where he proceeds to moan and flail his arms. The fire is still burning strong. They let it burn until the man calms down, car's horns are going off angrily and impatiently, and tires are screeching trying to avoid it, and then one of the cops puts it out. Eventually the drunk man is packed away into the back of the van, and the excitement ends, but not before a few cranky goths whip out their digital cameras and get pictures.

The moral of this story is: when you're drunk, ideas that seem very clever are probably not that clever, although they will indeed make you more popular with bored club kids.

PS-- Rae: I got a piece of the burned newspaper. I'm going to mail it to you.

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LiveJournal for entertaining run-ins with the "less fortunate"*.

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